Coercive Control: Sex + Healing
It could happen to anyone.
If you’re reading this because you're trying to make sense of, or heal from your experiences with sex and intimacy in a controlling or otherwise abusive relationship—you're not alone.
Coercive control doesn’t always look like shouting or violence. It is a pattern of domination in which one partner seeks to govern the life and autonomy of another. It’s not always visible, and it doesn’t always leave bruises. Sometimes, it shows up in quiet, persistent ways—like pressure, fear, guilt, or gaslighting. And when that control seeps into our most intimate spaces—like sex—it can leave deep and confusing wounds.
Domestic violence (DV) and coercive control impact not just physical safety, but emotional, psychological, and sexual wellbeing. For many survivors, the sexual element of abuse is under-discussed, under-researched, and often misunderstood—even in spaces advocating for survivors.
“I didn’t know what coercive control was until after it happened to me. It wasn’t until my friends heard on the phone what he was saying to me that something clicked.”
- Lisa*, 39, coercive control survivor
This blog is for you: the survivor who’s wondering why sex felt so complicated, painful, or disconnected. The person trying to trust themselves again. The one learning to separate intimacy from control.
Sexual Patterns in Abuse
One of the clearest indicators of coercive control in intimate relationships is how fear shapes sex.
“It’s very hard to be intimate with someone when you’re afraid of them. When they want sex, you’re trying to please them. You can gaslight yourself into thinking there’s something wrong with you.”
- Ellen*, 28, coercive control survivor
In a coercive relationship, sex can become something you do to keep the peace. Maybe you didn’t say no—but you didn’t truly want to say yes either. Maybe it felt easier to go along with it than risk an argument, sulking, or even punishment.
This isn’t “consent.” It’s survival.
And it’s okay if you’re only just realising that now. Sex may not be overtly violent, but that doesn’t mean it’s consensual. Survivors can be coerced into saying "yes" because "no" doesn't feel like an option.
When fear exists in a romantic partnership, sex can become a survival tactic. Survivors may find themselves going through the motions, disconnecting from their bodies, or submitting under pressure—all in an effort to keep the peace.
Research shows there are varied sexual responses to coercive control, from hyper-sexuality (used as a way to soothe or appease) to sexual avoidance (as the body shuts down under chronic stress and fear). Both are common and valid responses to prolonged abuse.
In coercively controlled relationships, sex can become a tool of power, manipulation, or even reward. Many survivors describe patterns such as:
Dissociative sex, where they feel disconnected from the act and themselves
Sexual withdrawal, especially after an abusive incident, due to broken trust and trauma
Pressure to perform, despite not wanting to, out of fear of emotional outbursts, criticism, or retribution.
Feeling pressure to have sex after an argument or outburst i.e. using sex to try and reconnect or make things feel “normal”
Overly sexual as a way to soothe or protect themselves
Conflicted, wanting closeness but feeling unsafe
Going longer periods without sex after being mistreated
Feeling like your body wasn’t your own
These are all valid responses to coercive control. You might not have had the words for it at the time—but now, you’re beginning to name it. None of these responses mean something is “wrong” with you. They are normal, adaptive reactions to abnormal situations.
Loss of Respect and Desire
Another overlooked dynamic is the loss of respect for a partner due to their controlling or abusive behaviour. As someone sees their partner act with cruelty, disregard, or manipulation, their sexual attraction may naturally fade.
In many abusive relationships, desire fades because your body and heart are responding to emotional pain — not because there’s something wrong with you. When someone criticises you, manipulates you, or cheats on you, it can break the emotional connection that makes sex feel safe. If you found yourself dreading intimacy, feeling disgusted, or mentally checking out—that was your inner wisdom and survival instinct trying to protect you.
This isn’t often acknowledged in discussions around DV, but desire is often deeply tied to emotional safety. When respect erodes, so does intimacy.
Losing Your Sense of Self
One of the most painful outcomes of coercive control is how it shatters self-trust.
Gaslighting—both from the partner and from within—can lead survivors to question their own desires, boundaries, and memories. Criticism, blame, and emotional abuse make it harder to recognise that something’s wrong.
Sex, in this context, often feels less like an expression of self and more like a duty—or a danger zone.
You may have been blamed, criticised, or made to question your own feelings and memories. Over time, it becomes easy to turn that inwards:
Maybe I’m overreacting.
Maybe I’m just not good at sex.
Maybe I’m broken.
You’re not.
You were surviving in a situation that was designed to confuse and control you. You deserve compassion, not shame.
“My ex-partner used to record me while we were having sex without asking for my consent. I pretended to myself and him that I thought it was ‘hot’, masking the deep discomfort I felt in my body. Someone not respecting you or your boundaries is a huge red flag.”
- Alison*, 31, coercive control survivor
Cheating, Coercion, and Confusion
Some coercively controlling partners also cheat, further destabilising the relationship. For survivors, this can deepen shame and confusion—especially when they're still being pressured into sex at home. It’s a brutal contradiction: being devalued and desired at the same time.
You might have felt forced to compete for their attention, or guilty for not “measuring up.” You might have still had sex with them afterward, just to hold on to some sense of closeness. Again—this was about survival, not weakness.
More research is needed in this area, but anecdotal evidence suggests that cheating is sometimes used as a control tactic, to spark jealousy, lower self-worth, and reassert dominance.
Healing Isn’t Linear
The journey out of a coercively controlled relationship is rarely straightforward. You don’t have to have all the answers right now. Healing your relationship with your body, your boundaries, and your sexuality takes time.
You might feel ready for intimacy—or you might not. You might explore new relationships—or you might need space. Wherever you are is okay.
Healing doesn’t follow a straight line. Some days you’ll feel strong. Other days, the memories might knock the wind out of you. That’s normal.
Go at your pace. You don’t owe anyone a timeline.
Trust—especially sexual trust—takes time to rebuild.
Survivors may need space to explore what they want (or don’t want), to reclaim their bodies, and to separate sex from fear. That can mean months or years without physical intimacy. That’s okay.
Healing means reclaiming choice.
For Friends and Family: Understanding Survivor Experiences
To support someone experiencing coercive control, it’s vital to understand the nuances—especially around sexuality.
Avoid assumptions like "if they’re still having sex, it must be okay" or "they didn’t say no, so it must be consensual." The dynamics are far more complex. Respect the survivor’s pace, validate their experiences, and never pressure them to disclose more than they’re ready to.
When Culture and Control Collide
In some cases, coercive control is reinforced by cultural or community dynamics, including honour-based violence. This form of abuse is often about control over female sexuality, autonomy, and reputation. Honour-based violence often focuses on punishing or controlling sexual behaviour to “protect” family reputation.
If this is part of your experience, you’re not alone. Services like Aditi in Edinburgh specialise in supporting women from Black and minority ethnic communities navigating these complex layers of abuse and cultural pressure. Honour-based abuse may look different, but it shares the same underlying goal: domination and control.
Resources for Survivors
The Freedom Programme – explores patterns of abusive behaviour (particularly by abusive men) and helps survivors understand the tactics used against them. The Freedom Programme also describes in detail how children are affected by being exposed to this kind of abuse and very importantly how their lives are improved when the abuse is removed.
Women's Aid – offers support, advocacy, and shelter for those experiencing Domestic Violence.
Men’s Aid – empowering and supporting men and their families experiencing domestic violence, to be safe.
Aditi – specialised support for women from minority ethnic backgrounds in Scotland, including those impacted by honour-based abuse.
Sex in a coercively controlled relationship is not about desire. It’s about survival, manipulation, and power. It’s time we start speaking and supporting people more openly with these issues.
If you or someone you know is affected, there is help—and there is hope. You deserve sex that feels respectful, safe, pleasurable and empowering—not something to be feared, endured, or given out of obligation. If that still feels far away, that’s okay. There is no rush. You are allowed to take up as much space and time as is needed for your healing.
What happened to you wasn’t your fault. And your body, your mind, your sexuality—they’re yours to reclaim. Sex should never feel like a trap. You are allowed to ask questions, set boundaries, and take time to rediscover what intimacy means to you. You are not broken. You are surviving. And in time, you will thrive.
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* Names have been changed.
